Style icks: What would you censor in the world of fashion?

This article was originally published in English

When you think of British gardener and presenter Alan Titchmarsh, 74, who hosts ITV’s wholesome gardening show Love Your Garden, censorship is probably not the first word that comes to mind.

However, that has not deterred North Korean state television Central TV, which has censored a 2010 episode of the BBC gardening program ‘Alan Titchmarsh’s Garden Secrets’.

The reason? His jeans.

They blurred out presenter Titchmarsh’s trousers, as jeans are considered a symbol of Western imperialism in the secretive state and are therefore banned.

According to Seoul-based NK News, North Korean rules banning jeans have been in effect since the 1990s. Then-leader Kim Jong-il declared that jeans were a symbol of Western, and specifically American, imperialism, which had no place in a socialist state willing to repress Western culture.

It is unclear how the regime acquired the rights to ‘Garden Secrets’ to broadcast the show, but the presenter’s jeans are banned. This has made us think about the fashion items that irritate our delicate sensibilities and that we would like to ban from life.

Here are our censorship proposals, from head to toe:

Mini fisherman hats

What is it about? The mini fisherman hat.

Popular among? Straight men who claim to be “creative directors” at amorphous companies while secretly living off their parents’ fortunes.

Why does it have to be blurred? These hats cling to the men’s heads with the same fragile grip with which they cling to their multiple courtships before the inevitable ghosting. Don’t want to fully commit to a person/career/aesthetic/subculture/fashion accessory? Boy, do we have the hat for you. An insult to the hat institution, this Hackney coaster won’t stop your hair from getting wet, nor will you take it off when you’re inside the house. Its only discernible purpose is to protect its owner’s bald head with a level of precision that will only serve to highlight a spartan scalp when it is eventually reluctantly removed. There is one more purpose, to identify for all those on the perimeter that the owner is someone so taken by a supposedly Instagrammable “alternative” aesthetic that they have given up on any of their own individual creativity. The irony is that these mini ‘fishermens’ are most often worn by creative types (nepo babies graphic designers). Tomboy lesbians with stick and stick tattoos are exempt from this fashion criticism. J.W.

Drinking T-shirts

What is it about? T-shirts with slogans that make alcohol consumption a personality trait.

Popular among? White, middle-class mothers with a taste for crushed velvet furniture and who share Facebook memes like “Drinking Responsibly Means… Don’t Spill It.”

Why should it be blurred? Look, no one cares if you drink alcohol. There is nothing nice or outlandish about developing a dependency on a substance to get through another day of cursed consciousness on this hellish planet. So, and I say this as a friend, can we stop drinking t-shirt slogans already? Prosecco didn’t make you do it, “no wine” doesn’t even make sense, and maybe ‘be-gin to have fun’ when you get help for your crippling addiction to bad alcohol puns. Or just alcohol. Wait, are you trying to tell us something? AB

Grunge jeans with a huge hole

What are they? Jeans that look like they’ve been mauled by a tiger bent on creating a disheartening festival of idiocy.

Popular among? Supposedly “angsty” young adults rocketing to fame on Instagram, usually women trying hard to appear rebellious or adopting what they believe is a lazy tramp look. They don’t have that grunge appeal, and Kurt Cobain didn’t die almost 30 years ago because of this nonsense.

Why does it have to be blurred? There are some legwear trends that make me want to tear my eyes out. There’s the Berlin hipster pant cut that shows too much sock and makes people look like overgrown little kids… Or those parachute pants that scream “Oh yah, I’m so into Eastern mysticism since my gap yaaaaah that was totes bants and soooo spiritually rewarding”… Embrace what flatters you and all, but there’s one fashion ‘faux pas’ that makes me gag even more. You know, the jeans with a gaping hole in each leg, like they autopsied a pair of Levi’s and put a butcher’s apron on them before sewing them together. These jeans – or lack thereof – are the work of designers who would be more useful in a coma. It’s not that the holes in the pants defy the very purpose of the pants in the first place or expose too much flesh – it’s the fact that the lapels (easy back there) depressingly fall off your legs, exposing the pockets, as well as the incontrovertible fact that you could be wearing a) nothing or b) a pair of shorts, and you wouldn’t look so stupid. However, what bothers me the most is that this fashion “no-no” takes a style that I love (grunge) and cheapens it by exaggerating it to the point of not being able to take it anymore. It’s a look that gives a bad name to beloved ripped and worn jeans (which are still a great look). Plus, it makes me want to join the chorus of terrible “Did you pay less for so little material?” jokes. And nobody needs that. Anyway, with this look you’re not rebelling against the system or honoring the 90s: you’re just revealing that you’re as avant-garde as a Babybel. DM

UGGs

What is it about? The seemingly invincible UGG boot.

Popular among? Everyone in the early 2000s, and now a whole new generation of victims.

Why does it have to be blurred? I would like to hereby declare an official ban on wearing UGG boots as a fashion statement. Yes, I want those woolly abominations that have inexplicably returned to the mainstream to disappear. Your time has come. These hideous oversized sneakers reached their peak of popularity in the early 2000s and were a staple for celebrities like Paris Hilton and Kate Moss. But, as with the cyclical nature of fashion, they were soon forgotten. Unfortunately, in the last two years they have resurfaced… Now, every time I leave the house, I find people everywhere dragging their feet wrapped in sheepskin of dubious ethics, oblivious to the fashionable crimes they are committing . While I understand the appeal of their comfort when worn at home, wearing them in public, especially with jeans, is unacceptable behavior. And those who wear these furry monstrosities seem to have forgotten their original purpose. Created in the late ’70s for surfers to put on after the waves, UGG boots were designed to be functional, not fashionable. And yet, here we are. And the worst? Even my girlfriend has succumbed to her charm. If there were ever reasons to reconsider our relationship, this would be it… T.F.

So, basically, here at ‘Euronews Culture’ we would have a collective nightmare if we met this person (and not just because he shows a head and a pair of arms):

And you?